He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
