Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
