I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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