I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
