i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
