Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
