Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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