Do vagina's smell?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
