Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
