I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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