she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
