if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
