There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
