He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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