need another drink. this is the easiest way
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
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I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
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In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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