you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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