I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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