definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
This is the high leading the old right now
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
