maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
