friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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