so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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