This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
