Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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