I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
