He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
