Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
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Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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