just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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