I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
