I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
As shirtless as possible
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
