My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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