apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
