well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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