please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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