By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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