Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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