I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Boobs speak an international language.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
