that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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