woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
