Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
