I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
we're making bets on your personal life
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
