At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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