you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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