Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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