I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
do nipples grow back?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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