I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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