Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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