Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
