Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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