I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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