She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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