Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
