im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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