so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
