If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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