I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
