my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
